A friend recently shared something she heard about two different types of people: those who strive to keep things comfortable and familiar, and those who find growth in the challenge. I am the latter: picking a college major to face a fear, studying abroad, running a marathon. I enjoy change and apparently have a sick obsession with the path of most resistance. And while I never want to stop pushing myself to learn and grow, it sometimes causes me to over-analyze and seek self-worth in the wrong places.
I just wish I didn't care so much about what other people think--that I could be more comfortable setting boundaries or saying no without the nagging worry about appearing rude or controlling or unloving. Being a people pleaser can be a crippling trait that often finds me saying one thing and feeling another. I find myself holding back out of fear--that it won't be reciprocated, valued or understood. Isn't the thing we all have in common that we wish to be acknowledged, accepted and loved?
"I thought of my own words, the ones that don’t match my heart.I’m fine.Doing great!Yes, things are wonderful.My words that are a reaction to the question, not an answer.I paste the smile and look away, knowing it’s not reflected in my eyes.I don’t answer the question How are you? because I’ve convinced myself the person asking doesn’t really want to hear that I feel isolated in my journey, overwhelmed in the task, scared of the unknown, struggling with the calling.And so I say Welcome! but Do Not Enter!"
These things are important to me because I don't want my kids holding themselves back out of fear, as I sometimes do. I want them to love without abandon; be comfortable in their skin while developing self-awareness for how their words/actions impact others; to value their uniqueness--not to hide parts of themselves to please others or gain approval. I want them to stand by their strong beliefs and values while always seeking to understand another point of view, showing compassion and accepting others for who they are.
Mostly, I think this is one of my biggest struggles in my faith. My worth should come from God, but I so easily replace that for the love and approval of others. I do believe we were all created differently in order to bless others around us...and that the people in our lives are there to teach us more about ourselves and force us to self-reflect and grow. And while this post is hard for me to share for the very reason I write it, I am hoping it can help me begin to put these beliefs into practice.
Mostly, I think this is one of my biggest struggles in my faith. My worth should come from God, but I so easily replace that for the love and approval of others. I do believe we were all created differently in order to bless others around us...and that the people in our lives are there to teach us more about ourselves and force us to self-reflect and grow. And while this post is hard for me to share for the very reason I write it, I am hoping it can help me begin to put these beliefs into practice.
Thank you for sharing and being willing to be transparent even when it is uncomfortable to do so. I appreciate your honest and I feel so privileged to be your friend
ReplyDeleteIt's funny that you chose to write about this topic at this time because I have been thinking about this a lot lately too. I think my struggle is that I tend to be both of those types of people. I love a challenge but within a comfort zone. I think it's human nature to want to be accepted and valued and to surround yourself with people who value enough of the same things as you, but also challenge to see a different perspective. It can be uncomfortable. Sometimes doing what you know is right but not necessarily popular or easy can be uncomfortable but isn't that part of the challenge?
ReplyDeleteI know how difficult this must have been for you to share, but I want you to know that your words really resonate with me, and probably many other people. I think we're at similar places in our journey to find a balance between being a loving, compassionate, generous person, while still setting appropriate boundaries and knowing when it's okay - or really even the RIGHT thing - to say no. The stakes are higher now that we have families to protect as an extension of ourselves (how can we give those closest everything they need if we're overly worried about pleasing everyone else?), and children to set an example for. I think the more we try to be mindful of our motivation, and reflect prayerfully on the choices we make, we'll continue to get closer to our goal of striking the right balance. (This is Eleanor by the way - for some reason my web browser won't let me post using my blogger login!)
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