With only a few weeks left until the baby arrives, I am starting to dream more about who this little person will become and how our family will be redefined. Every once in awhile anxiety creeps in and I start to worry about the details that seem like a distant memory: how will I juggle work and home? what was that routine we used with Owen for sleeping? what if nursing is just as difficult this time? what if I am completely incapable of loving the baby and showing Owen how our love for him has only deepened? what will this experience be like for him? what if he thinks we love him any less?
And, I am afraid that having two kids will make everything totally different...which sounds obvious...how could it not? Having Owen changed my life, my heart, my perspective and priorities. But in some ways, things didn't seem to change all that much in terms of spending time with people and being able to go places. The relationships in our lives are so important to us, and I truly hope we are able to stay close.
My heart breaks just saying that one out loud.
It is amazing the things you block out: the pain, the sleepless nights, the frustration. Maybe that's how it is possible to want to go through it again? It took me awhile to be able to share the experience of Owen's delivery without crying. Then, I didn't really have to think about it again because I had him to enjoy. Now that this delivery is getting closer, I am actually feeling scared about the c-section and recovery. This probably makes very little sense to anyone else since I have been through it before. But last time was different--I had no time to consider what was really happening. I just wanted the baby to be OK.
And, I am scared that Mark and I will be so busy with taking care of the kids that we will not have quality time to invest in our relationship. Will I be able to show him how much I love and respect him...and how much I appreciate what a great father and husband he is? Even despite the fact that Owen was a great baby--calm temperament and good sleeper, becoming parents was a challenging time in our marriage.
And, I am afraid that having two kids will make everything totally different...which sounds obvious...how could it not? Having Owen changed my life, my heart, my perspective and priorities. But in some ways, things didn't seem to change all that much in terms of spending time with people and being able to go places. The relationships in our lives are so important to us, and I truly hope we are able to stay close.
And then, today, I came across this verse from Matthew: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Although some of my concerns may be normal, it reminded me to stay present in this time...enjoy these last few weeks of being a family of 3, cherish the amazing feelings of the life still growing inside, appreciate sleeping...
Pretty soon things will be different and God will provide what we need for that part of the journey...
This is beautiful and made tears come to my eyes. You and Mark are fantastic parents and this baby is so blessed to have you two as parents and sweet Owen as a big brother. I can't wait to see where God takes you because of this little person!
ReplyDeleteFrom someone who has majored in anxiety, I can confidently say that all things find their place in life...and all worries will become moments for God's peace to seep in. I know, without a doubt, that you and Mark will find your "rhythm" with the two children. Enjoy these last few weeks before baby #2!
ReplyDeleteAh yes tomorrow. We are always trying to anticipate and to have some control over tomorrow. the verse from Matthew is very reassuring but sometimes hard to put into action.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps, I felt the same way when you and Sarah were "arriving". Trust me, there is tons of love to go around. You and Mark will find ways to give Owen his special time and to make time for each other. Why? Because it is part of your values and your priorities.
Write a one page story for Owen to have ready for the week before you go into the hospital. Tell him the story of the new baby. Have a special blanket with your perfume on it and a picture of you for him to have while you are in the hospital. Let's find a little something for the new baby to give to him when he comes to visit.
Don't fret, the most precious gift you are giving to Owen is a new sibling to share lots of special time with. He will learn to share.
Rebecca Anne, you are one of the most loving and devoted people that I know. All will be well and before you know it, your family of 4 will forge a new routine and will have the added pleasure of a new little person, with new talents, personality and all. What fun. We are so excited to meet this new little baby. love mom
Ditto to what your mom said - from your other mom. Don't be anxious - it will be ok. Owen adapts so well to things that he will fall into a new routine with the baby. Yes, things will be different but they will be a good different. In a couple of months I hope that you will look back at what you have written and wonder why you were so anxious. God always provides what we need! "Don't worry... be happy!" Can't wait to meet our new grandchild!
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