Working Mother's Guilt

My sister, Sarah, sent me this article today and I thought blogging might help me sort out my own reactions and perspective.  So bear with me... 

Early in my Masters program, I chose to write a paper in my Family Studies course on "The Effects on Children of Childcare and Working Parents".  At the time, my sister Jessica was pregnant with my niece and I felt her struggle between her individual life goals and dreams and the development of new desires to put all of that aside and care for her new baby.  The research proved that quality childcare arrangements are beneficial for children--especially girls who tend to develop higher self-esteem.  My sister did return to her job and my niece is one of the brightest, most outgoing, confident and amazing little girls I have ever known (and I know I am biased, but you'd think the same thing if you met her).  Likewise, we have seen lots of benefits to Owen's growth through his childcare experiences.

And while I am certainly not saying that these outcomes would have been completely different if we stayed at home, it simply makes the point for me about choices.  Specifically, knowing who you are and what works best for you and your family.  And, at the same time, respecting each other's choices and decisions (since some don't have a choice) rather than existing as two separate, and often competing, groups of moms: stay-at-home vs. working.  Afterall, both situations come with lots of commitment, love, challenges and rewards.

I feel grateful for my flexible work arrangement...the benefits of working from home are obvious.  And, I enjoy the fulfillment that my work offers and contributions I can make to my family.  Yet, as a mom stuck somewhere between "working and stay-at-home", most days I feel the constant stress of blurred lines and roles, which often leads to feelings of inadequacy and failure to do either job well:

"And if it is about science, you could say that being a working mother is akin to the duality of light. You feel like both a wave and a particle, constantly shape shifting between the two existences without ever fully inhabiting either one. When you're at work, half your brain is at home; when you're home half your brain is at work. You sometimes feel like you can never quite remain in one state of matter long enough to finish everything -- or anything..." 

And, then there is the whole "Tiger Mom" debate recently in the news.  On one hand, the whole discussion seems to perpetuate comparison, defensiveness and guilt, in my opinion.  However, this article has a whole new perspective to consider.  We can all agree that our first priority is our children, even if our approaches are different from one another.  This part of the article was one of my favorites:

"Parenting is a process through which God purifies us — the parents — even as he shapes our children.  Meanwhile, we are called to trust that God is the shaper of our kids, although he allows and encourages us to play a role." 

So can we respect each other's choices and stop comparing or judging or feeling guilty?  Maybe we just need to take a step back and simply play the role of guiding our children on their unique paths.  If we are comfortable with who we are, then we can be better role models to our children, embrace our life circumstances and be present.

"Your children are not your children. 

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, 

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, 

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, 

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, 

and He bends you with His might 

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, 

so He loves also the bow that is stable." 

--Kahlil Gibran

What about you? What has your experience been like?  Do you feel guilty or have regret about your decision or life circumstance? Does society play a role in how you view your choices?  What do you think about these two articles?  Your comments and perspective are welcome!