Surrender

"Control, it's time--

Time to let you go

I'm letting go of the illusion

I'm letting go of the confusion

I can't carry it another step

I close my eyes and take a breath

I'm letting go, letting go" ~JJ Heller

We've had a lazy morning with two cuddly, sick kids.

How it breaks my heart to see their sad eyes and feel their hot, clammy bodies nuzzled close for comfort. That feeling of helplessness, to protect your kids or take away their pain, hurts in a place I never knew before them.

It is a feeling I've been wrestling with a lot lately, as we prepared for Nora's MRI today.  I felt paralyzed in the decision, unsure of what it was I feared the most: the two hour sedation or the results of the scan. I prayed and prayed, but with each passing day my anxiety only grew with the uncertainty of God's voice and direction for the right choice.

Last night, as we lay in bed reassuring each other, the tears fell---hard. I couldn't hold it in any longer---that painful, bursting love; that desire to hold on to her and never let go.

But, in that moment, I started to understand what it means to truly surrender. Not through reassurance, information or even divine guidance. Rather, it is fully turning it over and trusting that God is in control no matter what. 

My eyes closed with a peaceful heaviness. About five minutes later, we were woken up to a sick, screaming little girl.  As it turns out, the MRI will have to be rescheduled after all. I couldn't help but find a little irony in that. The control freak finally surrenders...

So, we are just going to spend the day snuggling and comforting each other. And, I suppose that postponing the unknown a little longer just gives me more practice in surrending the worry.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me." ~ Jeremiah 11-14