The Space Between

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." ~Mignon McLaughlin

Most of the time I write about the life lessons I am learning through my children's eyes.  But, it is not always as comfortable sharing the lessons learned in our marriage. Maybe it's the risk of judgment if you admit things aren't perfect, or that this season of life isn't always blissful. 

But, the truth is that we can sometimes find ourselves on opposite sides of the road--uncertain how the same path could take us in different directions. And, that the very bonds that tie us together forever could actually be the space between us.

Years ago,  Ayelet Waldman was practically lynched on the Oprah show for her New York Times essay about loving her husband more than her kids.  I remember watching with admiration that someone was not only evolved enough to "get it", but daring enough to express it.  

Unfortunately, most of the audience seemed so quick to judge and label her as a horrible, unloving mother that they missed a powerful message: the love for our spouses should be different than the love we have for our children.  And yet, how easy it is to put all of our energy and passion into our kids, with little left for our marriage. 

"Gently, I will tell them that I hope one day that they too will find someone to love as much as I love their father. I will tell them not to settle for anything less than what they saw when they looked at me looking at their father. 

What more could any loving mother want for her beloved children?"

One of the best things we can do for our children is model a healthy, loving relationship.  And, if we truly believe that marriage should be the foundation of our family, then why do we feel so guilty for making it a top priority? But, that is often easier said than done. Where does it fit in the midst of diapering, feeding, guiding, nurturing, and working?

You might think that marrying my best friend and high school sweetheart--someone I have known for the past 17 years--would mean that we wouldn't struggle with our connection to one another after all this time. We are opposites in many respects--and when we work together we make a great team because of those differences. But, after having each of the kids, we hit some bumps that neither of us really saw coming.  See, we were both so focused on meeting the needs of the kids, or making sure each of us had our individual time to catch up on hobbies, or sleep or time with friends that we were happily growing---just not together.

And while we love our kids more than words could ever describe, they should be constant reminders of the love and commitment we made first--to each other. Sure, the love for our children is innate and natural and therefore comes easier.  But, it all began with our love...and it is worth all of the work.