Prayers For This Child

"I do not know how I am to pray for this child 

as a mother I don't want my baby denied 

but in the waiting in the waiting I learned

Finally, its over.  I have to admit that I wasn't sure this day was going to happen.  Maybe something would change and we wouldn't need to do it after all.  Then, when it was originally scheduled, Nora got sick and we had to postpone it. But, somewhere between then and now I felt a new peace about it...confident that we were doing the right thing.

And, I completely underestimated how difficult it would be.

Nora was such a trooper, especially this morning when she kept signing "eat, eat, eat" and probably wondered why Owen was enjoying leftover blueberry pancakes and we wouldn't feed her.  How torturous.

On our way to the MRI:

When we finally arrived, she made it pretty clear that she wasn't going down without a fight.  They tried to give her medicine to calm her before the sedative, but she just kept screaming for me to pick her up.  As I followed them to the doorway and watched them take her in, it felt like my heart was literally being ripped out.

every instinct in me wants to shield her from pain
take the arrows of misery heartache and blame
but in the sorrow in the sorrow I learned to hold on 

Because of all the extra sedatives they had to give to her to get her to stay asleep, we had to let her rest longer afterwards.  So, I just sat next to her bed, watching her chest rise and fall, overcome with emotion...with relief.

I only have two eyes - be all seeing
I only have two hands - be everywhere
I do not know enough - to be all knowing
I give this baby up into your care 

Once I knew she was OK, the worst part of the ordeal was coming out of it.  She thrashed and screamed for two full hours, and I was unable to do anything to comfort her.  So, I just rocked her, holding her as tight as I could, both of us wet with each other's tears.  Finally, with nothing left to give, she relaxed and fell asleep.

It is amazing--when you think you are pushed to your limit and can't handle much more, God gives you the gift of perspective.  Those moments that you realize your shoes are the only ones that truly fit, or that despite the heartache and struggles, they are the only pair you would choose to walk around in.  While this experience was difficult and scary, I looked around to the other beds filled with kids Nora's age who are battling cancer or who are unable to speak or who have been through this multiple times already.  What struck me most were the smiles on their faces, the reassuring nods from their mothers...their peace.

We won't know the results for a few days. But, for now, we are so grateful that this day is over, that she is OK, and especially for all your prayers.  We definitely felt wrapped in their peace through this process.

I do not know how, how to pray for this child
I want to guard her from everything wicked and wild
but in the trial in the trial I learned to hold on
And in the trial, in the trial I learned to hold on to the heart of God "
~Sara Groves

Father's Day

This Father's Day started out with some homemade blueberry pancakes. We learned that Daddy's pancakes really are the best (ours were made with love, so that counts too, right?).

We had a lazy day, but it was certainly not lacking in appreciation.  Hallmark may have prompted it, but I love these holidays--when we get to pick out a card, write a sweet note and focus our love on one person.  And, it's true--sometimes dads don't get the recognition they deserve...for all their quiet stability, hard work, loyalty, steadfast love and dedication.   

 

This Father's Day was extra special, because Uncle Steven was passing through town and was able to spend the day with us.  He is the type of person that lights up a room and makes everyone feel like family. As my Uncle and Godfather, he has had a huge impact on my life...my marriage and my faith.

Owen was wonderfully exhausted after the day and was really disappointed to learn that Uncle Steven wasn't able to stay and live with us.

It was especially sweet for me to see some of my most treasured memories re-created with my own children.  What a blessing family truly is, and what a perfect occasion to celebrate that!

Happy Father's Day to my dad, husband, father-in-law, and godfather.  You have each taught me lessons through your love, example and perspectives.

And, what a blessing it is to watch the positive impact you have on my children.

Soak Up The Sun

"Then followed that beautiful season... Summer....
Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape
Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood." 

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Maybe it's the heat...or the sunny afternoons that fall into bedtime...or the impromptu cookouts and beers on the patio. Whatever it is, I am loving the change of pace that summertime brings.  After what seems like a crazy, busy month, we took a break today--went to a nearby pool and just enjoyed.the.moment.

Time seemed to stand still for a bit, while we disconnected from all the noise and reconnected with each other. The happy shrieks and playful splashes were like background music to this happy scene:

We went to the same pool last year, but Owen seemed so grown up today. He went head first down a covered slide into the water...and came up laughing.  At the end of the day he said, "I had fun. I had so, so much fun". 

Mission accomplished.

On the way home, Owen asked us about Jesus.  He saw a church and a cross, so naturally his next question was "when we die, do we go in a tomb, like Jesus?" and then "how will we know how to get to heaven?" and "will you be there, too...and daddy...and nora...and oscar?" and then "will they be able to get Dora?" Oh, the logic of a three-year old!

I love that no matter what is going on--no matter the stress or troubles that occupy your mind, it's always the little things: a little sunshine and time with the people you love that makes everything feel all right again.

Surrender

"Control, it's time--

Time to let you go

I'm letting go of the illusion

I'm letting go of the confusion

I can't carry it another step

I close my eyes and take a breath

I'm letting go, letting go" ~JJ Heller

We've had a lazy morning with two cuddly, sick kids.

How it breaks my heart to see their sad eyes and feel their hot, clammy bodies nuzzled close for comfort. That feeling of helplessness, to protect your kids or take away their pain, hurts in a place I never knew before them.

It is a feeling I've been wrestling with a lot lately, as we prepared for Nora's MRI today.  I felt paralyzed in the decision, unsure of what it was I feared the most: the two hour sedation or the results of the scan. I prayed and prayed, but with each passing day my anxiety only grew with the uncertainty of God's voice and direction for the right choice.

Last night, as we lay in bed reassuring each other, the tears fell---hard. I couldn't hold it in any longer---that painful, bursting love; that desire to hold on to her and never let go.

But, in that moment, I started to understand what it means to truly surrender. Not through reassurance, information or even divine guidance. Rather, it is fully turning it over and trusting that God is in control no matter what. 

My eyes closed with a peaceful heaviness. About five minutes later, we were woken up to a sick, screaming little girl.  As it turns out, the MRI will have to be rescheduled after all. I couldn't help but find a little irony in that. The control freak finally surrenders...

So, we are just going to spend the day snuggling and comforting each other. And, I suppose that postponing the unknown a little longer just gives me more practice in surrending the worry.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me." ~ Jeremiah 11-14

The Right Kind Of Partner

There is something about weddings that makes everyone feel like a newlywed all over again.  The air is ripe with hope and excitement.  We take time to get dressed up, slow dance and savor the moment.

This weekend, we had the pleasure of witnessing the marriage of Mark's longtime friend, Dave and his new wife, Vicky.

As we stood there, listening to their vows and watching their beaming faces, I couldn't help but think back to our wedding day---seven years and two kids ago. I remember walking down the aisle, my arm entwined with my Dad's; seeing Mark's ear-to-ear smile through my tears of overwhelming joy.

How young and naive we were at that time---and yet, so sure that no matter what lay ahead, our love would endure.

...to have and to hold from this day forward...for better or worse...for richer or poorer...in sickness and health...

How those words mean more with each passing year of our marriage.  Looking back, I'd like to tell my 24-year old self a few things I've learned: 

• Remember the power of those vows--of that daily choice and sacred promise...especially when the road gets bumpy or the view foggy (because, it will).
• Sometimes it is OK to go to bed angry---things seem better with a little rest and some daylight.  
• Never forget that you are on the same team.
• It is all about love and respect. respect and love. Don't wait to get it before you give it.
• Make time for each other; sometimes it is the simplest moments that mean the most.

So, we enjoyed the beautiful setting and long overdue quality time with Mark's camp friends family.

Weddings have taken on such a deeper meaning beyond the good food, good company, and celebration of love.  It is also a chance to reflect and recommit. To recall the giddy days of new love with appreciation for the depth that time brings.

To remember that it is up to us to be the right kind of person to our partner...and to honor each other's unique differences as part of God's plan for your marriage.

" I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I'll be the first to admit that it's possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all! On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you." ~Zig Ziglar

It Takes A Village

There is a constant knot in my stomach. The feeling that there is always more to do and not enough time to get it all done.  The feeling that while I pursue one aspect of who I am, I am failing at another. I know I am not alone in this, either...it seems to just be part of this season of life.  So, I think I have finally come to grips with what I am about to openly admit:

I don't think we are meant to do this all...at least not at the same time.

Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe women should have the same choices and opportunities as our male counterparts.  But, let's face it--advancing your career, much less having one at all is a much different scenario for a man.  They don't seem to carry around the same pile of guilt or feel conflicted about going to the office each day. That isn't to say they aren't wonderful fathers who are extremely involved before and after work.  But, we are just wired differently...with different societal expectations placed upon us.

So, most days I feel like a walking contradiction.  It is like multiple personalities at odds with one another...and each day a different one wins the battle.  Rarely do they all feel valued and fulfilled in the same day. And, when one is feeling good, the others are right there to diminish, cast doubt and point out their inferiority. Never mind all the articles, or the ever-present opinions and judgments about who has all the answers or the best approach.

But then the other day, as I dropped off the kids and headed back to work with tears in my eyes, I suddenly had an epiphany. I started thinking about the defining moments in my life...and the people who were there. I thought about the unconditional love, support, guidance and lessons that my parents taught me.  But, even more than that were the experiences and relationships they fostered. And, what an impact those had on shaping who I am---the perspective offered while up my Grandpa's knee, advice from my Aunts, late-night heart-to-hearts with my sisters (who are my fiercest allies and closest friends), belief in my potential from a teacher, lessons learned from friends, love and acceptance from my husband...

The saying, "it takes a village to raise a child" is so true.  But, I think it also takes a village to make a mom (or dad). When I think about the village around me now, that feeling of failure and inadequacy turns to gratitude for what the kids will be able to learn and experience from others, beyond my limitations. Gratitude for the people who will impact their lives in amazing ways, and lovingly guide them to think bigger, love deeper and live bolder.

Leaning on our village helps to create happier, stronger families and communities. So, enough with the illusions of superiority, endless comparisons, or casting shame because of our differences, choices or circumstances. God has woven these people into the fabric of our lives so that we don't have to go it alone or take it all on ourselves.

I know how much my village has enriched my life through diverse experiences, beliefs, backgrounds and perspectives. I only pray that we give that same gift to Owen and Nora as they grow.