Enough

Becoming a mom has thrust me onto a path of deeper self-reflection.  These beautiful, innocent little people deserve for me to at least try to get it right.

So, where I might normally be able to successfully avoid or justify or ignore...I can't seem to do that anymore without feeling off-center, and a little unsettled.  Recently, I have been uncovering some pretty important truths on my path of self-discovery that I can't seem to shake off.

I.Am.Enough.

How is it possible to completely understand something, yet struggle so much to live it out?  I get it on an intellectual level. Smile...Nod...Check.  But, for me, these three simple words go way deeper.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with wanting validation from others and being a people-pleaser.  And while I can easily see the gifts and value of others, it is difficult to acknowledge my own.  It becomes a slippery slope towards measuring my worth through other people's eyes, or by the standards of society.  Even more are the unrealistic expectations I put on myself about what it means to be a good wife, good mom, good friend, hard worker...the problem is that the list is endless and the goal unattainable.  How easy it is to forget that God's promises don't just apply to everyone else...they also include me.

From my bible study this week:

When I start to measure my value by how well I am doing as a _________ (mom, wife, woman, daughter, friend, etc.), then I will thank God for the gift of my roles and for the gift of His unconditional love that determines my worth.

When I feel insecure about my position at ____________(work, church, anywhere), then I will thank God for the high or low position I have on earth and for my position in Christ that secures my significance forever.

When I feel aching emptiness that I'm tempted to fill with __________ (food, television, Facebook, or any other distraction), then I will thank God for being the strength of my heart and my portion forever---and remember that He is the One who satisfies the hunger and thirst of my soul. 

--A Confident Heart by Renee Swope 

And then it hit me---it isn't about solving these issues so that they never come up again.  It is about redirecting my focus when they do.

My prayer is that Owen and Nora grow up knowing that they.are.enough. Unconditionally. No report card, accomplishment, significant other, or salary can determine or change that.  

I suppose if I want that for them, I need to believe it for myself.

True Things by JJ Heller 

I’m not the clothes I’m wearing
I’m not a photograph
I’m not the car I drive
I’m not the money I make
I’m not the things I lack
I’m not the songs that I write 

I am … who I am
I am who I am 

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief 

Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief 

I’m not the house I live in
I’m not the man I love
I’m not the mistakes that I carry 

I’m not the food that I don’t eat
I’m not what I’m above
I’m not my scars and my history 

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief 

Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief 

To your love I’m waking up
In your love I’m waking up