Memorial Day

It's hard not to associate Memorial Day with the unofficial start of summer, especially with the 90 degree heat! We certainly made the most of our weekend with ribs, "Mark-a-ritas", sprinklers (with umbrellas), baseball...and of course, quality time with friends and family.

The only thing better than the food and weather was the company--watching the friendship deepen between the boys, and getting the chance for some meaningful and encouraging conversations.

Memorial Day is really about so much more than just celebrating summer's arrival.  It is time to stop and reflect....to celebrate our freedom and give thanks to those who fought for it. It is a chance to look at the people we love and the blessings all around us with deeper appreciation. To recommit to a life of purpose and service...in big ways and small. To stand by the ones we love and try to make this world a better place.

"True heroism is remarkably sober, very undramatic. It is not the urge to surpass all others at whatever cost, but the urge to serve others at whatever cost." ~Arthur Ashe

Teleios

I pray for clarity, for purpose and direction, for accomplishment or success.  I am restless for change.  But, when I finally see a glimpse of that promised land in the distance, I break free and run ahead--losing sight of who it was that aligned the stars, worked out the nuances and made it all possible.

Dressed in new clothes of pride, control and fulfillment, my mind fills with whispers of doubt. Lies that tell me I am going to fail, that I am not good enough.  And, by not good enough, I mean not perfect.  And, while I am listening to those whispers, I miss the truth.

The truth that I don't have to know how things will turn out, or how to do everything right now. I can enjoy right now, knowing that perfection is not a state of being, but a process of growing. It is a lot like a like a scavenger hunt--each clue unfolding new direction and depth. The Greek word for perfect is actually teleios, or a path of growth and maturation through discipleship...the completion of which will never be achieved on this side of heaven.

The truth that promised land moments aren't perfect, either. They come with struggles, hard choices, sacrifices and (as I am figuring out now) finding new balance. And, letting go of the control or the expectation of perfection makes room for gratitude--for new opportunities, new relationships, new perspectives, new chances to grow and learn...or make a difference.

And, above all, gratitude for a loving, encouraging, supportive partner who has made this all possible.

Who made missing Owen's last day of preschool a little less painful, knowing he was there.

Gratitude for their special time together:

Last night, Nora cried out in her sleep.  When I scooped her up in my arms, I felt her body instantly surrender and her breathing start to calm.  Such a pure and complete trust.  A reminder that we, too, are held in the most loving, caring arms of all---shaping the peaks and valleys for our unique path towards teleios.  No prizes for shortcuts or expectation of perfection; just an open heart to learn and love.

First Haircut

Life has been going at such a rapid pace lately that I have barely noticed the mop of hair on my children's heads. So, at what seemed the first break in pace and chance to stop in for a haircut, we took it! It was a little embarrassing to see how much of Owen's hair was falling to the ground!

I have been avoiding Nora's first hair cut for sentimental reasons...she couldn't possibly be big enough yet for it (despite the hair falling in her eyes and the unruly mullet in the back that was starting to grow). But, since we were already there, it seemed like the right time.

Unlike her brother's first experience, Nora was surprisingly calm and quiet.  She kept turning around to see what the hairdresser was doing behind her, but otherwise seemed unphased.

Eventually, she started telling very animated stories and had everyone laughing.

Nora, what a big girl you are! You were so proud of yourself sitting in that airplane chair. It was fun to see how your friendly, sweet little spirit was filling the room. You are such a happy, loving little girl that brings so much joy to our lives.

Pulling Weeds and Planting Flowers

No matter how old you get, sometimes you just need your mom. When life gets crazy, there is something reassuring about her hug. And, somehow the house always feels a little cleaner after she leaves. Spending this Mother's Day weekend with my mom and grandma was like the peaceful calm after a storm. A chance to relax and spend quality time with people we love...the ones who know your heart, keep you grounded and, at the same time, lift you up.

 We spent most of the weekend outside playing, weeding and planting new flowers.

After a little while, the gardening started getting to my head, because I kept thinking about how it mirrored life--sorting through the weeds of self-doubt, guilt or worry and planting new, vibrant plants in their place.

Recently, my boss was let go from his position and I was asked to step into his role.  It took me the better part of a week just to process all of the conflicting, bittersweet emotions. Within the first week, I made two impromptu trips to DC and quickly found myself grappling with inadequacy and worry. For the most part, I have enjoyed the best of both worlds as a work-from-home mom.  But I am starting to realize what most other working-mothers must go through every day. Is it something they just learned to accept? Or do they just hide it well? Were all the fancy business suits and heels hiding a stain of guilt and longing underneath?

Can I do this? Should I do this? If I believe that God is in control and that his timing is perfect, why do I find myself unsure of his voice in this? And, where did he get this idea that I could handle all of this stuff--let alone at the same time? The negative thoughts start spreading in my mind like the weeds in my garden.

I'm not sure where this position will lead or how things will shake out.  It will definitely take some time to find a new balance and figure out what is right for our family.  But, I do know that it has already strengthened our marriage---our partnership, teamwork and respect for one another. It has shown us both what we are capable of and stretched us in new ways. And, the time away from the kids made our giggles, snuggles and stories so much sweeter.

So, much like the weeds in our yard, we spent this weekend clearing space to plant new opportunities and growth.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. What a blessing to share this weekend with you and gain strength from your love, encouragement and example.

In It For The Long Run

The past two weeks seem like a blur.  In an effort to not forget it all once my sanity returns, I figured I better write it all down! 

Last weekend we celebrated our nephew William's first birthday and brother-in-law's graduation.

The next morning, Sarah and I ran the Pittsburgh 1/2 marathon. The weather was perfect with blue skies and warm sunshine.  And, although there were moments that each of us struggled, we got through it together.

One of the best motivations was running this in honor of Tate Long, who has a long race ahead of him overcoming hurdles and treatments for Severe Congenital Neutropenia.  Severe congenital neutropenia is a condition that causes recurrent infections, debilitating pain from low bone density, and a risk of Leukemia. The only treatment option is a medication for chemo intended for short term use and the only potential cure is a bone marrow transplant, which carries extreme risks. You can still participate in this wonderful cause: http://longrace4tate.com/give/

Our cheering section kept us going, too!

Afterwards, I met up with a friend from my study abroad semester in Italy and finally got to meet his wife, Katharine.  It is so neat how you can pick right up after 11 years!

"I run because it's so symbolic of life.  You have to drive yourself to overcome the obstacles. You might feel that you can't.  But then you find your inner strength, and realize you're capable of so much more than you thought." ~Arthur Blank

Rainy Days

Exhaustion has unpacked his bags and decided to stick around for awhile.  It has been one of those weeks where nights are restless and morning comes too soon. The all-consuming battle of emotions rages inside. Each one dueling for the spotlight and each one equally as intense as the next: fear, excitement, relief, guilt, worry, hope...

And, just when you think there is no room for more...

We had Nora's appointment with the specialist at Children's, yesterday. After an extensive evaluation and discussion, she agreed with our pediatrician that an MRI of her brain and spine is necessary.  Just the thought of putting our sweet girl "under" for two hours is unsettling.  How do other parents go through this kind of stuff on a regular basis?  Somehow even knowing that this could be worse doesn't change the feelings of worry and helplessness.

We can't protect her. We can't do anything to change it. And as a parent, that is such an awful feeling.

Yet, it is such an important lesson...we.are.not.in.control of our life or our children's.  In these moments, we are forced to surrender our self-assuring attempts to control our lives and lean in closer to God and His promises.

This drizzly grey morning, on our way to the Sitter's house, Owen kept asking questions about where some of our friends and family live.  He kept saying, "why can't I see it, mommy?" and I was trying to explain that we can only see what is around us where we are.

It was as if his simple questions of geography were God's whispers to me.  The reminder that when we can only see what is right in front of us, He is still there--guiding us out of the rain and into the sunshine.

"Cloudy days 

Will Blow away  

Ominous sky will not always be grey.

You are the sunshine  

On rainy days 

And if i have sunshine 

A rainbow is coming my way" ~Sunshine by JJ Heller

Perfectly Exhausted

The first quiet moments of the day have arrived--with one child passed out on his floor from reading, and the little one soon to follow in her crib.  Right now, her little lips smack in response to the sounds "Nora, I loooove you". And, my heart is consumed by love in a way that feels like it might just overflow or burst.

"When I see you and you're smiling 

How my heart aches 

So full it is about to break

You make me believe in love"  ~When I'm With You by JJ Heller

This weekend was full of surprises--and lots of love. My amazing husband and college roommate arranged a surprise visit for my birthday. They both did a great job of keeping me in the dark until they walked through the front door to lots of shrieks, hugs and tears.

No matter how long it has been, we always seem to pick right up where we left off.  If we didn't have the kids, I would swear it was just yesterday (and not more than 10 years ago) that we were living on the Southside of Pittsburgh, going to college and trying to figure out who we were and where we were headed.

Bridget and Steve are the kind of people that feel more like family.  Our talks are always meaningful and thought provoking. She radiates warmth and elevates your spirit instantly with her bubbly personality; she is real about life and comfortable in the space of vulnerability that helps us learn from each other.  

And, despite being the most amazing mother, she still knows how to let loose and party.  

"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow" ~William Shakespeare

It was the kind of weekend that leaves you perfectly exhausted---in the most renewing, peaceful and wonderful sense: great discussion over lots of wine and good food, laughter, tears...and quality time getting to know these amazing children better.  Their little personalities--so bright, sweet, gentle and full of life are such a reflection of the amazing character of their parents.

We had lots of fun showing them around some of our favorite hidden treasures in the area.  The kids enjoyed playing sports, running around and building friendships.

And, of course, what celebration of love is complete without a little cake?

When love is poured out on me, I have a tendency to feel overwhelmed with emotion, honored...and, frankly, undeserving.  And, even though these two words don't touch the depth of my emotion, "thank you" is all I can think to say.  Durbin family, we cherish our friendship, and are so touched by your generous love.